Acceptance...At least for now!

I have been an emotional wreck ever since we got the email last week with the monthly statistics. When I saw that only 2 referrals had gone out last month, I lost it. I know things have slowed down a great deal, but I really thought there would be more movement than that. I began losing hope again and crying at the drop of a hat. I just keep wondering why this has to be so hard and why it is so easy for some people (and for some people who truly should not have children). I had all kinds of thoughts running through my head on Friday night, and the first thing I did on Saturday morning was email our case worker. I just laid it all out there. I asked her what the 2 referrals meant. Since there are approximately 45 families ahead of us, does this mean we are looking at another 20 months? I expressed my frustration for the lack of timely responses to my emails. I asked why we were not informed that CIS would require a home study completed within 6 months when we update our home study for our agency. I told her that we needed answers so that we could decide what was best for our family at this time.

She responded on Monday and we set up a time to talk later that day. That's when I got really emotional (and even a little nasty, unfortunately). I asked what the 2 referrals meant for us...did this mean another 20 months?? She said she thought that was unlikely. I told her I couldn't help but think that there was something we weren't being told. I see other agencies no longer accepting applications for their programs. She said that she is preparing her families who are at the 15-16 month point on the list for the possibility of another 10 months before we get a referral. My heart sunk. And I did freak out a bit. I then asked her why the families who were unable to have biological children were not being given more consideration at this time. She said it was not something that was being discussed at this time, but perhaps I should email the program coordinator. Then I asked why we were not informed about the CIS 6 month requirement, and she admitted that we had not been given that information and apologized. I could scream and yell about that one, but what's done is done. I was a mess throughout this entire phone call, but she said she understood my emotions. Although someone says they understand, it's really hard to be convinced they do understand unless they have experienced it first hand.

Anyway, we had our home study update Tuesday night. Our social worker is wonderful. She let me cry and vent. And I feel she truly understands my emotions. But she said something that finally helped me feel a bit more at ease. She said that whatever we decide, we have to do what is best for us. But we need to make that decision and just go with it. If we decide to change programs, then she would help us. But if we decided to stick out the ET program, then we just need to say "This is how long it could take, and it could possibly take even longer. But we are just going to roll with it, no matter how long it takes." It was something along those lines. And I think that was when I made the decision that we are staying with this program as long as it is available, and however long it takes is just how it is. It isn't going to do me any good to be an emotional wreck all the time because I have no answers. I simply have to accept that there may not be an answer to the time lines at this time. And although we may look at some other options, we are not leaving the ET program. We have invested too much time and money into this program to abandon it at this time.

So right now, I feel there has been a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. Sure, it's still hard and it still sucks. And if we don't have a baby home by Christmas, that will definitely suck even more. But the current time lines are what they are, and it is all beyond our control. This is what I need to do at this time to keep my own sanity. And for now, I am okay with it.

But check back with me in a month and see if I still feel the same way! :-)